Snakes in a Tesla

For Colton and Oliver. Enjoy.

I nervously peer through the blinds of my living room window. I look at my two neighbors, Tesla-Humper and Jerk-Face¹. Them with their perfect houses, their sexy vehicles and perfect families. Their hair is alway so blonde and perfect. What a bunch of douches. My worn, wood panel television blares the sounds my beloved  “Yeehaw” show: “Now Skeeter. Don’t be so angry. There’s enough brother-cousin to go around fer everybody.”

Jerk-Face convinced me to buy his pet snake, Ol’-Wrappy-Snappy. At first I didn’t think it was a good idea. What do I know about pet snakes? I bought the snake any way because I thought it would be cool. Dumb-Face-Ol’-Wrappy-Snappy has already eaten my beloved pet cat and he has devoured my Grandpas remains which was neatly sealed in a plastic Wal-Mart urn above the fireplace. What a piece of shit pet! 

I observe my other neighbor, Tesla-Humper next door as he lovingly buffs out the hood of his white Tesla. He buffs that thing so much it’s almost translucent. It’s disgusting to watch but so hard to look away! He might as well be fucking that Tesla in the middle of the street for the whole world to see! For shame! He needs to find him some Jesus!

I see Jerk-Face neighbor walk out of his front door made of mahogany wood and adorned with copper hinges and copper door handle. I think to myself “Ima have a little talk with this Snake-Oil-Selling-Jerk-Face! I quickly put down all of my heroin onto my Goodwill coffee table and reach for my screen door,  falling apart and plastic so I can confront Jerk-Face before he speeds off. I sprint across the street and I rock right up to Jerk-Face as he has one foot in his sleek corvette. “Hey Jerk-Face! You sold me a shitty pet and I want my money back! Give me my money!” Jerk-face doesn’t even look in my direction. He dismissively says “I ain’t taking him back. You keep him. It’s your problem now, Bitch!” And quickly jets off in his corvette. I was able to get one swing at the car with my awesome Chucks before Jerk-Face sped off. 

I look over and realize Tesla-Humper has been watching this fiasco the whole time. Quietly staring and judging in complete wonder while holding a giant buffing thingy. I pull out a cigarette and light it and hurriedly shove the lighter into my jeans pocket. I extend my middle fingers and smoke as I shoot him the bird. I say “Fuck you, Buddy!” I backpedal my way across the street and open my plastic screen door. The bottom door hinge immediately snaps and falls to the ground with a loud crack. “FUCK!” I can never do anything right! I can’t even open a door right!

I slump over in my la-Z-Boy recliner. It’s the only classy thing I have. I continue to smoke my cigarette as a long trail of ash continues to grow and grow and grow. I stare at the dilapidated and worn carpet beneath my feet. Ash everywhere. My eyes slowly drag over to the Goodwill coffee table.

”Where’s my heroin!?” 

“No-no-no-no-no-no. Oh-please-God-no-this-is-not-happening!” My heart begins to pound as I hear the television blare out “YEEHAAAW! Get some!” You never have to look for your heroin because you always know where your heroin is. I don’t have to search anything to know exactly what happened. I rage kick the side of the broken down TV with my handsome Chucks. “I’m going to kill you Wrappy-Snappy! This is the last straw you PIECE OF SHIT! Where are you!? I hate you always getting out of your cage!” I look around wildly as my heart pounds faster and faster. “Where are YOU!?”

My eyes rock over to the corner of the Goodwill coffee table. Ol’-Wrappy-Snappy is high as fuck. White powder outlines his dumb snake mouth. I give Ol’-Wrappy-Snappy a hard look before my eyes dart out my living room window. Tesla-Humper has finally finished buffing his Precious and walks inside for a moment to get some other device to please his toy. The Tesla door is open with keys inside. This was my moment. I grab ‘Ol’-Wrappy-Snappy by the throat and dash for my broken front door. I make a mad dash for the Tesla’s drivers seat. This cunt is mine now! “There is no safe word, Bitch! Now drive!” Tesla’s voice-over powers on “I’m sorry Candice. I’m afraid I can’t do that.” I snap back at the cunt and say “I have 15 years of I.T administration experience and I know what an off switch and a baseball bat can do to you you, Bitch. I will kill you and everything you love if you do not move now. Now move! Her speakers begin to blare Talking Head’s “Psycho Killer Qu'est-ce que c’est?” We quickly pull out of Tesla-boy’s driveway. As we drive down the street I see Tesla Boy in the rearview window waving his dumb arms and screaming for her to come back. I shoot him the bird out of the driver’s side window. “Fuck you, Buddy.” 

I command Tesla-Bitch to navigate us to Multnomah Falls. The cliff I’m going to run us off is about a 100 to 150-foot fall. As we rush pass the gorgeous scenery I admire the stunning Fall/fall foliage as I grab Ol’-Wrappy-Snappy by the throat and apply pressure. I scream “I hate you. I hate you. You suck!” Ol’-Wrappy-Snappy is so limp yet so high I can almost detect a smile on the little asshole’s snake face. I hurl Ol-Wrappy- Snappy across the passenger seat and I hear him smack the passenger side window. “Noice.” Tesla pipes up and asks “What are we doing, Mommy?” I snap back “Manual override, Bitch! Mommy is very angry.” I pull the override switch from under the driver’s side seat and Tesla-slut goes silent. I slam the gas pedal into the ground fast and hard…The cliff approaches quicker and quicker and quicker and…YEEEHAWWW!

It was so great to see you again Oliver and Colton! Enjoy. I do hope you like it.

1. Hindsight Story Night #82