Lil' Fink's Christmas, Chapter 1

A Mr. Palahniuk holiday prompt

Oh golly! Christmas eve night arrives again and the holiday festivities explode throughout the house like Mt. Vesuvius. The best time of year for kids like me. The wide blood-red holiday ribbon snakes around our stairway banister and across our fireplace mantle like a starving python ruthlessly squeezing the life from prey. It’s so cool. Multicolored Christmas lights wire around and tightly coil all of our windows, our fireplace and our Christmas tree. On top of the Christmas tree crouched above is something like the Morning Star of Lucifer, I think. The lights blink frantically like relentless S.O.S signals and glow like fire throughout the living room as Mommy and Daddy sleep.

The enchanting pagan mistletoe wrapped with ribbon suspends delicately above the doorway.  Did you know that mistletoe was often used in Druidic sacrificial ceremonies? Jeepers, those guys were brutal. Before the sacrificial victims were burned alive the Druidic priests would brew up a right nice cup of mistletoe tea. The priests probably did this to calm down the terrified wretch before they lit the victim on fire like roman candle. Less screaming I suppose.

On our doors hangs plush, Christmas coronas. The trussed up pine crowns include holly and tight satin ties. The powdered, white, pinecones are nested sweetly but be careful because the wreath’s sharp, green needles will rip the skin right off the hand and blood will be everywhere. How exciting. Caligula probably wore a smaller, dressed down version of one of these wreaths. Golly, Caligula sure was a swell guy.

On the coffee table sits beautiful scarlet red poinsettia flowers clustered together to create a burst of lava red protruding from a hefty foiled vase. These scarlet beauties are actually poisonous to Mittens, our now dead cat. But that’s another story.

An unfortunate new addition can be found plopped squarely in the center of our living room fireplace mantle. Mommy added a wholesome, plastic nativity scene depicting the birth of our lord and savior Jesus Christ. Jesus brat sweetly nestled into his little manger as his mommy Mary kneels down in subjugation. Her spineless, cuckold of a husband stands in the back staring down at his bastard son. God’s angels gather around the ridiculous spectacle like Roman guards at the gates, lording their god-like authority over the whole ridiculous scene. The three wise men are depicted looking just as mindless as the goats and sheep surrounding them. The three of them in line like idiots waiting to peek at the smelly new born in a feed trough. 

This scene is ruining my Christmas experience and it must be destroyed.

I prop myself up onto a folding chair and grab for the nativity’s goat first. Methodically and carefully I snap off the ram’s horns from the cutie-pie goat and smash them onto Jesus baby’s forehead using super-glue. The ram’s horns now protrude with elegance and majesty from the manger. Now Daddy Joseph. Into the oven on broil he goes. After 25 minutes Daddy Joseph’s figure morphs into a blackened, spineless puddle. That’s more like it. With a spatula I scoop up the solid, flat disk and place back delicately onto his marked place in the back of the barn. 

The wise men next. Each figure broken up to tiny bits with pliers are then placed into Mommy’s high powered blender. The roar of the blender sure did make a racket. The figures took several minutes to grind down into a fine, toxic, white, power. I was careful to hold onto the giant blender as I pulled myself up onto the folding chair and back up to the nativity scene. I scattered wise-men-dust and it fell like odd snow. Golly did that cause quite a cough.

For angel Gabriel I pull out a large piece of sandpaper from Daddy’s trusty home-improvement tool belt. The sandpaper grinds into the angel’s face. Gabriel’s features are wiped away leaving a perfectly smooth, faceless surface. Next, black paint from Mommy’s enormous arts-and-crafts kit doses the angel from head-to-toe. Wings and all. The kneeled Mommy Mary simply gets an “X” carved into her forehead.

Hail Satan!